“That was the year, my twenty-eighth, when I was discovering that not all of the promises would be kept, that some things are in fact irrevocable and that it had counted after all, every evasion and every procrastination, every mistake, every word, all of it.” -Joan Didion
Nevermind happy new year; happy new decade! What has happened in the last ten years?
In the fall of 2009 I had moved to the bay area from Los Angeles to begin work in earnest on my dissertation. I had just turned 26, and I was feeling morose to say the least–the academic job market was imploding, I’d broken up with a longtime boyfriend, and I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. Up to this point I had (naively?) assumed I would get my PhD, enter the academic job market, and find a position somewhere as a professor and spend the rest of my life buried in books. I threw myself into writing a prospectus and dating, going on long winding evening walks with my roommate, and trying not to give in to the temptation of resurrecting old and dead things. I bought slightly damaged dresses from boutiques, lost weight, and started thinking about what I could do outside the Academy. I went on an embarrassingly awkward first date with a young patent agent who wore a nice sweater and tolerated my roommate-induced tardiness, and my sweatiness, and the fact that I yelled “fiasco” at him when I finally found the right café.
And then–things accelerated–
2010 – passed my comprehensive exams at the same time that I began sending out resumés for non-Academic jobs. Landed a position as a legal assistant at a fancy SF firm where my ears popped on the way up to my office every morning. Flew to NYC and TX for work. Pulled all-nighters for work. Promised young patent agent I was not avoiding him, but literally trapped in a windowless room in a NYC skyscraper.
2011 – Applied to in house legal jobs. Pondered the possibility of law school, with some distaste. Offered a job at tech co! Attended roomie/BF’s impromptu wedding. Moved into Carter’s one-bedroom apartment on Judah, which rattled everytime the Muni went by. Adopted Beast. Carter realized the apartment was too tiny for two people and a growing puppy, so bought a house in the cloudy Sunset. Another move; I don’t think I even unpacked my things from the first move.
2012 – Adapt to life at Tech Co. Attended Xine’s wedding in NY. Started taking art classes at CCSF (beginning drawing, intro to design). First inklings of writing for Side Venture. In early December, Carter proposed.
2013 – wedding planning–a great deal of wedding planning! Learned basic calligraphy; drew and letterpressed wedding invitations. Went to Disneyland. Turned thirty. Got married; honeymooned in France. Enjoyed my father’s visit from China for a month.
2014 – Carter considered law school. Studied for the bar. Applied for law school. He lost his appendix in June in a dramatic fashion. He accepted an offer from Davis. Thereafter we bought small but charming fixer home in Berkeley. Many renovations. Sale of old Sunset house (bless it, but the Sunset is gray and gloomy and depressing AF to live in). Start writing SV in earnest. Moved into Berkeley home in October; Carter began law school, living in Davis on weeknights and commuting home on weekends; conceived and lost first pregnancy in December.
2015 – many existential ponderings about fertility. I couldn’t talk about miscarriage without wanting to weep. More art classes. Spring break in Sonoma; vague attempts to conceive again. SV going well. Intermediate drawing class online (pastels). Fall pregnant with CC in July. Despite nausea, take head & hands drawing class online. Babymoon to Carmel and Big Sur.
2016 – continued to be pregnant. Last edit on SV story the day before I go into labor. Gave birth to CC; NICU; spiral into despair; recovery slow and steady and jagged. Mother’s group. A great deal of blurriness. Baba back to visit in August. A great deal of sorrow upon his leaving in Sept. Come to terms with what motherhood means very slowly. Return to work at Tech Co.
2017 – Created DBA. Wrote SF series. CC turned one. Walks, chatters, is a general delight. Down to San Diego for D’s wedding. Premiered SF pen name for SV; it did okay. Carter graduated law school, taking CC on stage with him to accept his diploma. Went on vacation in Portland for a wedding. Purchase house over the phone while in Portland. Carters tarts working in Big Law.
2018 – Continue writing SF but get pregnant in February. Or was it March? CC turned two. Got gestational diabetes diagnosis; despair briefly but grimly set to tracking food and exercise like never before. Too busy with mothering, pregnancy, working to write very much. Worst wildfires in California history in November, which is also when I gave birth to HR, a very sweet and healthy boy. A little surgery for me late in December. Renovations begin on our fixer upper. Carter is miserable at his firm. I wrote a book in the blurry aftermath of giving birth and publish it; I don’t remember now what I wrote. It did reasonably well, though.
2019 – my God, it passed by so quickly. Baba visited in January-February. I returned to work. CC turned three. Carter quit big law; took sabbatical to finish new house, take care of kids, pack up our things. Starts job at new firm in Oakland. Sold our sweet first home; moved into new house in the middle of the year. Unpack, survive. I write very little, draw almost nothing. I am busier at work than I have ever been in my life. I feel, frankly, that this is not sustainable. Carter and I begin to talk about other possibilities.
And here we are now. I am grateful for where I’ve landed. The greatest shift in the past decade was undoubtedly motherhood. Becoming someone’s wife is a change in perspective, sure, but motherhood is a paradigm shift. I am forced to respond to the needs of others, often over my own wants. Carter and I were watching Lisa’s Saxophone last night and it made both of us wet-eyed. It’s more meaningful now that we are parents, these stories of love and sacrifice for children.
I feel more and more centered in the understanding that relationships are at the core of human meaning and existence. I was rereading some old blog entries from over a decade ago last night, and I had to smile at how bumbleheaded and oblivious I was. I was very self-obsessed. Maybe it was the right mind for that age. I do miss the freedom–I don’t miss the lack of purpose.
Every human thing seems so much more precious and poignant now. Especially CC and HR–but Carter too. I don’t measure myself against other people as much as I used to. I’m a bit kinder, because I have wrestled with my own anxiety and insecurities. I love my body more. My hair is messier, and my wardrobe is blander. I’m chubbier than I’d like to be. I still like to cook. I am turning my face to God more than ever. I don’t think I can look away any more, like there’s no ignoring the sun when it fills the house in the morning.
I can’t (and won’t) guess at what lies ahead. One step at a time into this new decade.
as it was, as it were 